TTC After Loss

I thought I should post an update on where I am now to get anyone reading up to speed. Also, in hopes that someone in my place a month or two ago reads this, I’m going to note some really helpful things I’ve discovered.

I’ve had two AFs since the m/c. My second one is just now ending. The first came almost exactly four weeks after the D&C, for which I am infinitely grateful since that sounds like the minimum amount of time according to many.  I think my cycles are longer now, which I knew could happen but I didn’t expect it. I’ve always been on a 28 day cycle like clockwork, and now it’s looking like 30–32 days might be the new norm. Sucky! I’m obsessive about little things like that. That’s basically one less cycle per year, if you figure 2 days x 12 months = 24 days. Forty-eight days if you figure 32 day cycles. UGH. I had two ovulations per month on my calendar starting in October/November, and now that it readjusted itself, there’s only one per month. I feel like I’m missing some!

Anyway, AF is different as well. I used to spot two days before she came, then bleed heavily for about two days, then fade to spotting for a total of 5–6 days. I still spot, but last AF it was one day before, and this AF it was just crazy. I had no idea what was going on. (See link at the side to my FF page for the chart.) Also, AF comes in like a tsunami. I have now given up all efforts at controlling her. I have never had such heavy bleeding. It is beyond my wildest imaginings. It doesn’t even stop in the shower. I feel like a roller coaster has been installed between my legs. I had to go back to pads this month (after ten years of tampons) because it got so uncomfortable. The weird thing is that it is exactly the same length. I have five days of incredibly heavy, bright red bleeding, then nothing. I am astonished by this.

Speaking of FF, I’m using Fertility Friend to chart. I’m also using iVillage Fertility Planner, and I haven’t quite decided between the two. I prefer FF, but my trial VIP thing ran out so I’ve lost a lot of the features I liked. Also, $40 for a year of that is totally not worth it in my opinion. The government should provide this service anyway. Since learning about charting, temping, and the like, I am pissed that no one told me about it before. I feel like women are being kept in the dark about their own bodies. Anyway, those are the charts I’m using. I also have a copy of some mystery program installed on my computer called “Advanced Woman Calendar.” I’m really not sold on it, but I’m giving it a chance in case the internet dies and I need to know when I’m ovulating.

I’m also reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book is a godsend. It should be required reading for all women upon puberty. I thought I knew what was going on down south, but apparently I am ignorant of my own body. I can’t believe that no one ever told me about cervical mucus or temping! All those years of not knowing when AF would come, staining panties, wearing panty liners for days on end, wondering WTF was going on with this crazy discharge, etc. At least now, thank God, if I have daughters I will have this knowledge to give them!

Last month we TTC of course, but it didn’t work out. I thought it just didn’t happen, but now I suspect that I O’d late because of stress. I didn’t think moving was that stressful in this case, but since every note I read of this phenomenon uses moving as an example, maybe that was it. I was also “late” (actually wrong in my expectations), so I wasted a ton of tests. Those few days of waiting were more stressful than I could imagine. I was actually glad when AF showed up! So this month, I’m going to follow TCOYF, follow my chart, and not test until at least 13dpo. If it’s a BFN, then that’s it for me until I’m a few days late. I’m not putting myself through that again.

I also want to try Pre’ this month, but I think I might have to hold off on that since we are completely broke at the moment. I still haven’t decided. I’m going to discuss it with DH tonight, but I’m afraid that will prompt him to say we shouldn’t TTC at all until he gets a job. It’s a statement of my faith in him (and my post-m/c obsession) that I want to keep trying. The thing is that I don’t even plan to go to a doctor until the end of the first trimester if I do get a BFP. I’m too afraid. I heard the heartbeat last time, so no amount of positive results from testing or u/s will make me feel better. As for if I have another m/c without insurance, I can’t think about that. I refuse to plan for another m/c. If it happens, I’ll deal with that then. Maybe I’m reckless, but this is hard enough without having my hopes for a baby revolve around m/c and finances.

Wait, back to the Pre’. I am a big proponent of frequent BDing, unlike some. We have no evidence that DH’s sperm count is low, so there’s no reason that I can see to “save up” sperm. I think we had a hard time getting pg for so many months because our schedules were weird (a lot of inconveniently timed trips and visitors). We finally got a BFP the month that we had nothing to do during the fertile week and we BDed multiple times a day. So, our plan this month is to BD at least every other day, then daily when I’m seeming fertile. The problem with this is that last cycle, I was having a hard time down there. Probably due to stress, but BDing is NO FUN for ladies if it’s like the Sahara downtown. It’s also difficult to get the motivation up, and for some reason DH seemed to think it was too much effort. (Grumble grumble.)

So, I think the solution to all of my problems (ha ha) is Pre’. Lord knows, from past experience I don’t think I need any help with the CM. But, I could use a little help with lubrication, and Pre’ is the only one that supposedly doesn’t kill or immobilize sperm. I recently found a Cleveland Clinic study that showed this, and I think that’s a sign from the heavens since I live across the street from Cleveland. So, I just need to convince DH that we should order this stuff. It’s a bigger bottle than the average lube, and I can get it with free shipping for $15. A little pricey, but honestly, it’s worth it if it helps me make a baby! My guess for how much I’ve spent on this endeavor so far is maybe $40. Not bad compared to what I could have spent. I think I deserve a little comfort down there!

So anyway, that’s where I am. If you happen to be reading this and have questions, please feel free to comment! My policy with this blog is that there is no such thing as TMI. I’m not ashamed of my body, and neither should any woman. Women need all the dirty details, and I might as well be one to provide them. If you happen to be reading this and think I’m gross for writing about AF or CM or whatever, get real! There’s nothing dirty about my ladyparts. :)

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